Monthly Archives: June 2016

It continues to be a convoluted road to recovery. 

I’m not in control of it. I try to be, but I’m not. The blackness hits without warning, and the light comes unexpectedly. Today has  clouded over, and I don’t seem to have the strength of mind to see the good in anything. 

It’s so easy to believe our emotions, and to be ruled by them. I have to learn that they’re not reliable and not trustworthy. Steps forward and back  yet again. Life is tough, heartache is real and emotions are  debilitating.

I feel tired and fragile. 

I know time will heal. I know God is with me. 

2 Samuel 22:29  says:

“You are my lamp O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.”


Hurts and heartache and loss are feeling less acute. I am feeling more grounded and less disconnected. Life is less surreal. Tomorrow may feel different. I am battered and fragile, but  heading in the right direction. One bad conversation, one stress and it’s a game of snakes and ladders, and down I go, but never to the beginning. Now and then I’m climbing small ladders with just a few rungs. 

I get glimpses of light, chinks that are staying longer and shining more brightly. When the darkness comes back, it’s easier to remember where the light has been, and have a knowledge that it will return again. 
I know I will come through this experience intact. But these have been life changing experiences and I will never be what I was before. 
Hopefully, experiences that hurt us, won’t make us hard; Won’t make us bitter and shrivelled inside. 

A wise friend sent me a quote by Henri Nouven. He says:

“Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, ‘How can we hide our wounds?’ so we don’t have to be embarrassed, but ‘How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?’ When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.”

Christ was the ultimate wounded healer. Through his wounds we are healed. His brokenness means we can be made whole.

Most of us have experienced brokenness and injury that others have inflicted upon us. I pray that we will be useful to others because of it. When this happens in our family, flowers will be growing on the  rubbish heap. 

Today my husband and I have been listening to a song by Stuart Townend. its a hymn that’s been precious to us since sins have been  confessed.  This hymn affected us profoundly as we sat in the car. we listened to it over and over.

For the Christian, there is hope, sins are forgiven and we are happiest and most fulfilled when we make his will our home. 

These are the words:

There is a hope that burns within my heart,

That gives me strength for every passing day;

A glimpse of glory now revealed in meagre part,

Yet drives all doubt away:

I stand in Christ, with sins forgiven;

And Christ in me, the hope of heaven!

My highest calling and my deepest joy,

To make His will my home.

There is a hope that lifts my weary head,

A consolation strong against despair,

That when the world has plunged me in its deepest pit,

I find the Saviour there!

Through present sufferings, future’s fear,

He whispers ‘courage’ in my ear.

For I am safe in everlasting arms,

And they will lead me home.

There is a hope that stands the test of time,

That lifts my eyes beyond the beckoning grave,

To see the matchless beauty of a day divine

When I behold His face!

When sufferings cease and sorrows die,

And every longing satisfied.

Then joy unspeakable will flood my soul,

For I am truly home

We have an amazing saviour who is with us in the deepest darkest pit. I thank him today for convicting, forgiving, accepting, loving and restoring. We deserve none of it, yet he has given us all of it, and joy unspeakable floods our souls. What an amazing saviour we have! 

As time goes by, I’m realising that we have to cultivate a spirit of forgiveness. It doesn’t just happen. It’s something that has to be thought through and deliberately applied. It’s also not a one time thing. This whole area of forgiveness is a massive ongoing challenge which doesn’t seem to have an end point. These are some of the things I have observed and experienced over the last few months:

  1. Our reaction to hurt reveals the state of  our hearts:  It’s easy to be full of self pity and bitterness when things go wrong and we experience hurt.  In spite of this, God commands us to always forgive, always rejoice and learn contentment in every situation we find ourselves in. When we are full of bitterness and self pity about our lot in life, we are in fact being disobedient.
  2. We need to cultivate a spirit of forgiveness :   This is an ongoing challenge. It takes huge effort. I liken it to weeding a garden; as soon as you’ve weeded one part, another part is completely overgrown and needs sorting out. It’s a full time occupation and when we neglect it, it spirals out of control and needs a radical overhaul.
  3. We need to take every thought captive:   Thinking about each hurt and understanding it with Christ in view. Jesus didn’t hold grudges, he forgave freely, he didn’t take back forgiveness, he wasn’t bitter, he never cold shouldered anyone, he loved completely even though he wasn’t loved in return. We must do the same.
  4. Forgiveness liberates and transforms us. While we are holding onto anger and unforgiveness we are in darkness and in Satan’s kingdom. Walking in obedience restores relationship and fellowship with God and gives us joy that we can’t have when we are rebelling and refusing to obey.
  5. Pain and adversity help us grow spiritually and God can use awful circumstances to grow us and bless us.

Corrie ten Boom says this:

We may think we have the right to hold onto hurt, but with that comes a whole gamut of debilitating emotions that we won’t be able to shake off – resentment, bitterness, self pity, anger, lack of joy, impaired relationship with God,  an accusing spirit, a miserable disposition, and huge discontentment.

The only way to experience true joy is by walking in obedience. “His divine power  has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” ( 2 Peter 1:3)

When we ask God to help us live obedient lives, he equips and helps us.

Every blog I have written so far I’ve asked my husband to read.  I wouldn’t want to publish anything unless he sees it first, and he’s been kind and supportive about me expressing myself in this way. He has encouraged me, even when it’s hurtful and upsetting for him to read.

I have observed  that living with guilt is an awful thing. It produces nothing good. It manifested itself in ways that were unkind and hurtful. I felt that the friend I once understood, I understood no longer.

But  God is kind, and orchestrated many things to enable him to step back into the light. God was gracious in putting key people in place to love and support him as he confessed all. 

Confessing is hard because we are in Satan’s territory. Satan blatantly shouts his lies about the consequences of  revealing all, and my husband believed those lies and he became despairing. Satan’s  desire is destruction and separation from God. He wants Christian marriages  to be broken and damaged and delights in disharmony and conflict. Because God is kind,  He always makes a way through for the Christian on the wrong path. 

Whatever the consequences that we face because of sin, stepping into the light is always the best way. Whether it’s saying sorry to someone we have been unkind to, or facing and dealing with situations that heavily impact others -the only way for peace, and restored relationship with God is to get out of Satan’s kingdom by confessing all and coming to the cross.We cannot experience God’s love and joy with a known barrier that we are unwilling to deal with. The consequences may seem overwhelming, but to be outside God’s kingdom and care is even worse.

 I really believe that when we are willing to lose all, in order to do the right thing before God, he is gracious and kind. The worst fear for my husband was that he would lose me. In fact, God has given me a huge heart for him. It’s all grace when we are willing to confess all.

For me, Inconsistency is now replaced with consistency. That consistency is filled with kindness and gentleness. I thank God for the change I now see, for relationships that are mending and healing, and for satan’s lies that although believed, were indeed just lies. 

My life right now is inconsistent.I am having ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Times of joy and times of melancholy. Feelings of hope and feelings of overwhelming despondency.

Acceptance is a big thing, and it’s so easy to look back and wish for what has gone. Even in the light of mighty forgiveness and overwhelming grace, I am bearing the right consequences for my husband’s sin. It could be no other way, because our Heavenly Father is a good parent, and there are always consequences for wrong actions. King David was forgiven, but he and Bathsheba always had the grief and sorrow of a son who died. Sin matters.

My prayer is that the experiences that I’ve gone through won’t be wasted. That all this hurt and pain will be used to help and support others. That many will be encouraged to understand that it’s possible to feel all of these overwhelming and debilitating emotions, and yet know God in such a wonderful and intimate way. It’s such a paradox. Grief and sorrow and hurt, yet at the very same time knowing joy and hope and such a knowledge of our saviour.

Eventually, this roller coaster ride with its ups and downs, twists and turns making me feel sick and disorientated will level out. But I will look back and I will be able to say:

 I am waiting for my life to begin again. I’m not really sure when this will happen. Last night and today I feel displaced and disconnected. Everything is effort, effort, effort. Like climbing a steep hill after recovering from flu.  How long should I be feeling like  this?  Can anyone tell me? 

When I’m out, like I was last night, with my husband’s  work colleagues at the theatre, Satan loves to attack. He attacks when I can’t talk things through. When I’m hemmed in. The theatre  is not a good place for me right now. Everyone was smiling and laughing. Getting up and clapping. I felt displaced and bereft and odd. It felt like my life wasn’t real and that I was looking at everything from a great height. I have been snatched out of one world and placed into another, and today it feels so unbelievably traumatic.  How long does it take to feel better? This is a question I can’t answer. Just as I begin to feel I have a sense of feeling at home, I feel bereft once more.  And lost. And displaced. And disconnected. Nothing feels right or good.

Maybe I’m grieving. Grieving over unkindness and hurt. Separation and loss of the familiar.

It will come right. As I’ve said before, It’s for a season. While this season lasts, Satan is on the attack. Waiting, digging, suggesting and blatantly telling me things I don’t want to hear.

“I love the Lord , for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” Psalm 116: 1,2.