Monthly Archives: March 2017

Leaving the shame behind. 

It’s 15 months on. As I reflect on all that’s happened, it feels like I’ve been picked up in a whirlwind, battered and dropped. The broken bones of hurt and sorrow are slowly healing and I praise God so much for this.

But in other ways I continue to struggle. coming to terms with losing everything that’s familiar along with the pain of hurt and betrayal feel too much for one person to bear.

I’m still grieving.

Eighteen years is a lifetime and just can’t be got over.

So many friendships.

So many memories.

So many experiences with no closure.

No tying up of loose ends.

No goodbyes.

Just running and hiding with shame and fear.

Acceptance is hard. I’m struggling and fighting and suffocating. Sin has cost us dear.

This grief will eventually lessen and acceptance will come, but meanwhile I pray that the church we love will heal. I pray that God will bless them more abundantly than we can ask or think for his glory. I look forward to that day when all offences will be forgotten and Jesus our precious saviour will be in view.

It may take a long time to feel fixed, it may take me a long time to accept my circumstances… But I hope that day soon comes so that I can move on.

Keep looking up…

It’s been a rough few days. At times I’ve faltered and stumbled as triggers have opened wounds which were healing. The dark tunnel has beckoned and it’s been hard to stop myself from being sucked into it. I’ve questioned God and asked him why? I’ve cried and felt spent. I’ve put on the comfort blanket of self pity which rather than helping has compounded my misery.

I have felt overwhelmingly sad. Sad for so much hurt, sad for the damage done, sad for the ongoing consequences which roll on like the waves of the sea. I feel sad for ruined reputations, sad for conversations that a Christian couple should never have. I feel sad for my husband’s terrible regrets,

sad for the opportunities that have been lost,

sad for our lost church family,

sad and angry that our children are overwhelmed,

sad that selfishness obliterated something that should have been good and beautiful.

As I grapple with my raw emotions, I know that God knows. My suffering feels so overwhelming but I know I will come through with God’s help.

“Don’t presume to know what God is doing in your pain. Just know that if you are his, He is only ever doing you good.” ( Kathryn Butler)