“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”
I’ve been tied up in all sorts of convoluted knots. Knots that are tied so tightly they seem impossible to untie… it’s taken a lot to coax these knots out and unloosen them, the string is thin and the knots are as tight as they can be.
bit by bit the knots are loosening but wrong thinking is ingrained and hard to change.
A few weeks ago with my job, I went to see quite a feisty old lady in her nineties. As we casually talked about Easter she suddenly became animated and threw her arms in the air. As she was gesticulating she demanded:
” if God the father loved his son, why on earth did he abuse him in such a way?”
This was such an amazing gift which I wholeheartedly accepted. We talked about sin and the need of a perfect sacrifice. We talked about God’s overwhelming love in sending his son and how Jesus willingly obeyed his father’s will. As I got her into bed, I asked her if she wanted to pray. Her prayer was:
“Lord, teach me the things that I just don’t understand.”
As I think about my situation and the knots that I’ve got into which seem impossible to untie, I have prayed the same prayer. Why did God allow my husband’s sin? Why such hurt to the church? Why did he allow such a catastrophic thing to happen when my prayer was that we would be above reproach?
These are questions I can’t answer but the prayer that Doris prayed says it all. But rather than asking God to teach me all that I don’t understand, my prayer is:
“Lord, help me to accept all that I don’t understand. Help me to accept all the things that up till now I haven’t wanted to accept. It seems a disaster to me, it seems like nothing good will come out of it. I feel hurt that I prayed to be above reproach and you have given me the opposite of what I prayed for…”
And there it is…. the knot that is tied so tightly. The knot that hasn’t yet been confronted.
I have been hurt and angry. I prayed for so many years for something that I perceived was right and good. I prayed that we would leave our church family rightly. That we would always be welcome to go back. Never barred. It seems that God has dealt with me harshly; it seems unkind that God ignored my heartfelt plea. I prayed that we would never sin and disgrace Christ in the church in which we served. But we have.
All I can pray is:
” Lord, help me to accept what I don’t understand!”
This morning I found a dead bee by our back door. I got a spoon mixed with sugar and water and pushed the bee onto it. To my delight I saw it move and drink the liquid. It revived and flew off.
This is what I need today. I’ve been so overwhelmed and beaten down. I need the sweet nectar of grace to revive my soul.
I’m thankful that God has revealed this to me today. It’s painful to confront, but maybe now, like that little bee, God can begin to heal me in a way he never could when I was fighting him.
I didn’t want this situation to happen, but it has. God is bigger than our mess and I ask God for healing as I go forward, and to help me accept the things that I will never understand.
I pray that with this prayer, healing and restoration will come.
It’s time to start living. By God’s amazing kindness we haven’t blown it, but I do need to accept the rich gift of grace and forgiveness that has been given us through Jesus.